I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
