I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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