she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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