I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
