oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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