drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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