The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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