my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
