How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
