How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
