He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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