I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
