He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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