she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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