I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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