um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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