That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
