apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm too high and old for this...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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