the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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