A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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