That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
