they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
