I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
My vagina is officially offended.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
