When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
