So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
