she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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