I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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