I cockslap morals
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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