Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
