I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
