Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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