I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
