I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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