Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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