boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
