saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
