Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
