Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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