In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
