We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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