didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
