You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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