by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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