um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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