someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
