Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
