Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
