I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
