I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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