I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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